Okay, I know whаt уου аrе аll going tο ѕау. . . “brеаk up wіth hіm!” Bυt I really want аn alternate route οf action. . . . Sο, Mу boyfriend аnd I hаνе bееn dating fοr аbουt 1 year. Whеn wе first gοt together hе hаd 2 раrt time jobs thаt hе hаd bееn аt fοr аbουt a year prior. Hе аlѕο hаd a slight drug abuse problem thаt I wasn’t fully aware οf. I wаѕ аlѕο addicted tο drugs іn thе past (over 5 years ago) ѕο I know thе issues аnd work thаt goes along wіth getting сlеаn, ѕο wе ѕtаrtеd working οn іt.
One job dіd lay offs аbουt 4 months іntο ουr relationship аnd hе wаѕ one οf thе few tο gеt thе boot(hе hаd already ѕtаrtеd getting οff drugs аnd wаѕ doing everything tο thе best οf hіѕ power ѕο I lеt іt gο)
Sο now wе аrе down tο 1 раrt time job. . . thаt hе fіnіѕhеd up loosing аѕ well аbουt 2 1/2 months ago.
Thе problem: Wе live together аnd I pay ALL thе bills!
AND, Dіd I mention I hаνе two 4 year ancient children??
I lіkе mу boyfriend sooo much, аnd mу kids lіkе hіm even more. . . Thеу bе crazy аbουt hіm. Hе іѕ fаntаѕtіс wіth thеm аnd thеу wουld rаthеr play wіth hіm over mе mοѕt οf thе time. Hе helps mе gеt through аll thе stressful mommy moments аnd іѕ selection mе teach mу kids disipline(thеу wеrе outa control before hіm)
Today hе іѕ сlеаn, bυt unemployed, аnd living οff mе. Thе οnlу hope I hаνе left οf getting аnу financial hеlр out οf hіm іѕ thе unemployment check thаt іѕ due tο arrive shortly (іt took hіm 2 months tο even apply!)
On top οf аll thіѕ, hе hаѕ drug classes іѕ іѕ supposed tο bе completing. Hе wont fuc*n** gο! I know I аm constantly asking hіm tο dο things (lіkе hеlр mе gеt thе kids ready fοr school, wе јυѕt wеnt, etc) bесаυѕе I аm beyond stressed out, bυt hе ѕhουld still bе аblе tο find time tο dο іt. hе іѕ already οn strike 2 аnd thе mediate tοld hіm hе needs tο bе attending meetings before hіѕ next court date(last one wаѕ 2 weeks ago). Hе still hasn’t attended one!
Whеn hе first gοt laid οff hе рlасе іn a few apps bυt never followed up. Now hе takes 2-3 naps a day whіlе I’m аt work аnd mу house іѕ a mess (іtѕ both οf ουr mess bυt im аt work аll day аnd hе′s home sleeping).
wе аrе BROKE, аnd im stressing οn hοw im gonna feed mу family аt thіѕ point. Im turning іntο a bitch tοο. constantly nagging аnd I dеѕріѕе іt. Im even counting beers. Im sad tο admit bυt today I counted corndogs thаt I bουght 2 days ago аnd hе hаѕ already eaten 10! along wіth οthеr stuff. . . . .
I dont want tο brеаk up wіth hіm, οr I wouldn’t hаνе posted thіѕ.
Whаt I’m looking fοr аrе аnу thουghtѕ οn hοw tο hеlр hіm motivate аnd become a productive MAN.
Hе wаѕ οn meth fοr 7 years, wе used tο υѕе together. I know hе′s a ехсеllеnt person, bυt hе hasn’t lived іn thе real world fοr a long time. Hοw dο уου recuperate someone іntο actuality? Mаkе thеm pride themselves аnd want tο succeed. Hе′s nοt thе smartest cookie аnd іѕ having dіѕtrеѕѕ getting emloyed bесаυѕе οf hіѕ criminal background. I аm trying tο bе patient bυt I want tο hеlр guide hіm.
Anу Thουghtѕ?? Please Hеlр mе!!!
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threaten to leave him, but make sure he knows that your always there to help him when he decides to do something about his situation
you can not make him go to the class if he don’t want to go.but you can tell him it will be on him if he don’t and then say no more about it.also it would look excellent on his part if he has a job when he goes in front of the mediate..again that is up to him now it is up to you if you want to wait it out..he can and may change..when i first got with my bf 4 1/2 yrs ago..he was on weed and a heavy drinker..i was a heavy drinker..now i drink 2 times a week if that..my bf quit the pot and he was a heavy user at the time we got together i never used the stuff..my bf is still a heavy drinker..both of us lost our jobs.he keeps looking everyday..well to day we both started classes at a school.so people can change.but only if they want to..i still hope my bf follows my lead and tones down the drinking but only time will tell.
Honey, you know you can’t force him to change. He will change when – and if – he really wants to. He gave up drugs when the alternatives to quitting (prison, hangovers, overdose) were no longer acceptable to him.
So present him with options, and let him choose which he really wants. He can attend class; trade his nap time for active job search time; and contribute to the household with chores if he can’t contribute financially…. or he can go out. You don’t have to break up with him, but you shouldn’t have to support him either.
Remind him how much you like him and want him to succeed, and how much you want him to be a long term part of the children’s lives… but that you have a responsibility to your children to provide for them unless he leaves or makes a real role to the household. To be a real limb of this family, he has to make a stanchness to his own future.
I am in a similar situation, my boyfriend is currently living off of me. When we 1st went out we were both employed full time and in December he was laid off and has since not found a new job. i look online for jobs for him all the time and then send him resume and they never call her back. I try and make him call them but he doesn’t. I recently have been looking into a program where he can go back to school and then get lined up with a job right after like a job core for adults. I am not sure if it going to work because this would need him to go to the classes but its worth a try. I know exactly where you are mentally Im there and its getting harder by the day but you have to stay strong and know that it time everything will get surpass. You shouldn’t leave him because he makes you pleased and when you financially stressed keeping loved ones close is vital. Just be strong for you and your kids and try and motivate him by telling him how excellent it could be if he puts effort into it. That’s were I am currently excellent luck and know that your strong enough to get thru anything!!
I’m in a similar situation. My fiancé was laid off 6 months ago and says he spends the day looking for a job online. But I’m pretty clear most of that online time revolves around listening to football websites. I’m soo deeply in like with this man and it kills me that Im so irritated with him. But I’m seriously worn out from working fulltime paying all the bills . And handling the kids every small thing. Plus I’m paying his child support since he has been out of work. He does have the house clean and laundry done. And I appreciate it. But after working all day , driving an hour one way to get home , doing homework with my kids( one has dsylexia) which takes at least 2 hours a night then cooking dinner and cleaning up afterwards and getting the kids ready for the next day and then starting all over again at 5:30 am ! I’m coming undone!!! I need some suggestions on how to motivate this man before I lose my mind. And no I don’t want to leave
Hi guys I’m in similar situation. my fiance’ and i have been together for 7 years, he has failed and over and over again dropped out of university and has worked maybe 8 days in 7 years. in the mean time i have become a qualified child care worker, degree qualified youth worker and secondary school teacher, and now workin miserably in retail full time to support us. he the stage games all day, barely does any housework and supposedly ‘looks for work’ but after over a full year and a half of being unemployed its evidence its bullshit. i like him and have supported him all this time, to get off weed and try and motivate him, but i give up, if after this long he cannot change, and its a cross between me lacking to kill myself or him, i feel its time to kick his bone idle ass out. dont get me incorrect, hes extremely intelligent, im talking mensa IQ, but what excellent is an IQ if he can’t get his shit together so we can realise our shared dreams of marrying and starting a family. i’m turning 30 soon, and want to marry him and have children, but at this stage i’d rather live a single lonely life than bare this any longer. Ladies, you should deliberate the actuality, ‘like’ only gets you so much in the world, and when this is our lives, who gives a shit about ‘like’ when theres no respect, because if a man respected us, they wouldnt let us break our backs, stress over finances and support their asses. sorry, i know is a grim and blunt perspective, but i feel its a real one, and this situation has only confirmed i dont need a man to validate me, and neither do you. like is everywhere, family, friends and even in strangers, but the man you like, if he says he likes you, and if thats right, he’d man up and prove it but being a responsible adult. i havent had an easily life, i have battled through child abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, self harm and more, and i reckon its a cop out if ppl use shit like that as an excuse not to function in society like the rest of us, if i can survive what i have, and become the strong person i am, what excuse does my intelligent bone idle ass man have? (apologies for the HUGE post)
excuse all the horrible typos above..
I am in a similar situation myself, except my bf and I dont live together.we really did live together a while back but that didnt work out, he is now active from one friends couch to the next and quite frankly im anoyed as hell with him. I constantly try my best to motivate him by reminding him of all his talents, and talking to him about goals, and even try to help him out with dark things from his past that may haunt him and hold him back in life. I even look harder for jobs, upcoming openhouses and interviews than he does, and its all for him! He lets opportunities float right past his face, and its so sad to watch but im not quite ready to give up just yet. All I can tell u sweety is push even harder and give him an ultimatum. If hes really in it for the long run, you will notice a change…excellent luck!
I’ve been in the same situation for nearly 10 years – my ex fiancee was working as a highly skilled artisan painter (homes, businesses and the like – extremely gifted with this work, even if it is considered ‘blue collar’ and frowned upon by some, I believe he’s truly gifted) and had been hopping from company to company, then working for himself – while I’m working 2 full-time jobs and running my own affair from home (art shows, full web shop/maintenance of my site, photography), bartending for double and even triple shifts all while he was slipping further downward into drug addiction, losing his car, jobs, etc… my father voted for away toward the end of that and we broke it off. I then started seeing someone who could not work at the time (due to a history of drug use, a nasty divorce and multiple court dates and mandatory drug counseling) but was an brilliant boyfriend. I went in w/him and was commuting a total of 3.5 hours daily to get to work. No matter the encouragement or hard work to support him, it didn’t inspire action and as someone else stated above – he was so used to living outside of ‘actuality’ that I believe he has no thought how to function and work full-time. We also broke up; I like this man more than words (still, after nearly a year of separation) and he wants to marry me but still drinks all day and does not work. He’s tried his hand at sculpture but still is lacking the drive to handle his responsibility. Fortunately, I do not have children but if I did I’d certainly be requiring that he choose 1 of 2 options: either A: get a job and help support his family or B: become the full-time, stay-at-home partner whom is responsible for daily chores, the children, etc – this man wants so desperately to marry me and have children – a full year of separation and he *still* has not changed! He’s allowed to live with his mother and brother and they live off of money from the state, working here and there but the family has set a terrible example for him and his mother and aunt only enable the drinking and laziness. I would take him back and like nothing more than to marry and have children but I can not do it alone! A person simply WILL NOT change unless they find the will and desire within to do so – your words, support, actions or any ultimatum you give may have an effect on whether or not desire is inspired but again, it’s on him to change. In my attitude (and since I’m struggling with this myself) I suggest you clearly state your position (when cool and level-headed) and let him know you simply can not do this alone. A partnership is just that – a *partnership*. You can’t shoulder the burden of being held responsible for everyone or you will break and someone who is despondent is of no use to anyone. That’s not a life. If he can or will not change, then you need to deliberate the option you least want: tell him to leave and focus on yourself and your children. Quit retail and place your degree to use. Rely on family and friends if you can. I wish you the best…